Hello and welcome. My name is Gary. I am a man who is very comfortable in his own skin. Neither desperate or needy. Confident in who I am. I am 6ft tall, 13.5 stones, tattooed and pierced, lined and wrinkled, sensual and tactile. I freely admit to being 'in touch' with the wolf in me and that I have a bit of the devil in my soul. I love to taste the air, feel the rain upon my face, smell the scent of pine in the woods, watch the sea wash away the pain of the world, feel the freshly cut grass beneath my feet, hear the songs of the birds as they raise me from my slumber.
I have had 2 x 10 year relationships and I have three children. I can't have any more children due to having had 'the snip'. I loved the time that I spent with them as a single parent They had all flown the nest by '08. But then my youngest managed to sneak back in a few months ago. Under the barbed wire, through the minefield, past the savage Dobermans and chained himself to the fridge. I've tried living out of tins and keeping the fridge empty ... But the cat shares her food with him ... Seem's I shall have to let him stay.
I do not like to rush my life as there is so much to savour. I love the spirit of adventure. I love to travel whether it be in this country or abroad. At 16 I slept on all the beaches along the South of France and at 17 became a British Army Paratrooper (Where I was taught how to deal with shotgun wielding, grenade throwing polar bears whilst only being armed with a spoon and a sewing needle).
I absolutely adore skinny dipping in places like the Canaries and the Bahamas. The Canaries - Full of fat naked Germans and The Bahamas - Full of fat clothed Americans.
I will admit to liking women who themselves have a bit of the devil in their souls. Women who have a mischievous, independent, adventurous spirit. Women who care for both their mind and body in much the same way as I do. I work out in my gym or cycle up and down the hills where I live every day as I love to keep fit. I hasten to add that I am not a gym bunny. But I do like to spend an hour or so a day working out, one way or another. Naked Twister anybody? I have the baby oil ;)
My children and friends say (through the help of bribery) that I am a nice man. Funny, happy, honest, decent, loyal, committed (Or at least I should be...One padded cell for the use of please...And no crayons as I stick them up my nose...And other places if not caught in time), articulate, caring, adventurous, spontaneous. I have been told that I have the body of a man in his mid-30s. But that I must stop playing with it and give it back. Bugger. However not ‘till I have used it up and it has fallen to pieces.
I wish you much luck and happiness for the rest of your days. As the immaculate, impeccable Dave Allen used to say, "Thank you, goodnight and may your God go with you”.
I wish you sunshine on your path and storms to season your journey. I wish you peace in the world in which you live...More I cannot wish you except perhaps love to make all the rest worthwhile.
Lady you bereft me of all words ... Only my blood speaks to you in my veins ... And there is such confusion in my powers - William Shakespeare
I don't care where the water goes as long as it doesn't get into the wine - Noah.
I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire - Bill Clinton
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you - Oscar Wilde
My sex life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty - Woody Allen.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and just visit now and then - Katharine Hepburn
When we are born, we cry that we have come to this great stage of fools - William Shakespeare.
Unicorns and cannonballs, palaces and piers. Trumpets, towers and tenements, wide oceans full of tears. Flags,rags,ferry boats, scimitars and scarves. Every precious dream and vision underneath the stars. You climbed on the ladder with the wind in your sails. You came like a comet, blazing your trail. Too high. Too far. Too soon. You saw the whole of the moon.
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: AFRICA is the big triangle shaped continent south of EUROPE...AUSTRALIA is that big island in the middle of the PACIFIC OCEAN which does not - Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. COME NAKED.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: AUSTRIA is that quaint little country bordering GERMANY, which is - Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. COME NAKED
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.(USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in AMERICA which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.